"And" Instead of "But"
Words have Meaning! When interacting with others, our words matter. A simple word that is very important in our communication with others is: And.
The word And connects two thoughts/statements. When we want both statements to be validated and paid attention to, we should use the word "And." The use of And can improve how we give feedback and tends to encourage dialogue when interacting with others. When giving feedback to others the use of the word "And" allows both points/positions to be equally valid.
Below are statements using the word "But" and then the word "And". Notice your experience. How does it feel to you when the word "AND" is used instead of "But?" Which word increases a feeling of being heard, listened to, and generally feeling validated?
- You have lots of A’s and B’s on your report card But You have a C grade in Math.
- You have lots of A’s and B’s on your report card And You have a C grade in Math.
- I understand that you are upset But You still need to get up and go to the meeting.
- I understand that you are upset And You still need to get up and go to the meeting.
- You are doing well interacting with your brother in the car But You are still fighting at home.
- You are doing well interacting with your brother in the car And You are still fighting at home.
- I know you want to keep playing with your friend But It's time to go home and do your homework.
- I know you want to keep playing with your friend And It's time to go home and do your homework.
- I hear that you want steak for dinner But We don't have any.
- I hear that you want steak for dinner And We don't have any.
- I get that you are frustrated and angry right now But It is not my responsibility to help you feel better.
- I get that you are frustrated and angry right now And It is not my responsibility to help you feel better.
- It is really great being with you But I need to go.
- It is really great being with you And I need to go.
- Your spelling is good But There is a grammatical error.
- Your spelling is good And There is a grammatical error.
- I agree with a lot of the things you just said But Could we look at this from a different perspective?
- I agree with a lot of the things you just said And Could we look at this from a different perspective?
HOLD ON! There are times when the use of "but" is useful. We can use "but" when we want to dismiss (Negate) the first part of our sentence Or, looking at it from another perspective, when we want to emphasize the second part of our statement. For example:
- I came in last in my swim meet But I improved my time by 2 seconds.
- I really messed up But I can learn from my mistakes AND do better next time.
(Please note that the use of "But" places greater emphasis on "learning from mistakes" rather than the idea of "I messed up." Then the use of "And" equally emphasizes and embraces the ideas of "I can learn" And "I can do better."