The Gift of the Parenting Struggle

It’s said that children are our best teachers, and I’ve found this to be the case in much of my work with parents and families. What challenges us parents the most about our children is exactly the place where we would most benefit from our own growth.

Parents often have grand plans for passing on their wisdom, talents, and strengths to their children. And while it is certainly true that our children may embody many of these positive traits, it is also true that they are likely to embody our weaknesses as well. There is nothing like a pre-teen to mirror back to us those traits or habits we would so like to change!

The beauty of finding ourselves in this place of struggle is that we can take this as an opportunity to work on healing ourselves. We may work on developing empathy (not only for others, but for ourselves), we may work on changing habits that we’ve just been “too busy” to change, or we may finally be motivated to face issues that have troubled us for a lifetime, such as anxiety, depression, or ADHD.

One thing is true: even though our children are unique individuals, we cannot expect them to behave any differently than we do. If we want our children to be less irritable, then we need to behave in ways that are more flexible and patient. If we want our children to be more kind and generous, we must model this same behavior, even when it’s inconvenient. And if we want our children to get away from their screens and engage, then so must we!

Continuing to seek answers to the inherent challenges of parenting can be such a gift, although one that, admittedly, does not come wrapped with a bow. We know that by the time parents seek the support of a psychologist, they have often already read books, taken classes, and sought advice from friends, families, and teachers. These are the parents that are deeply committed to their children and are willing to invest their resources to “grow” their child, and to continue to “grow” themselves.

As parents, when we learn how to improve our self-care, develop greater emotional intelligence, and increase our self-compassion, we are able to make changes that can last for generations.